Straight from the Heart

I felt that I had to write this down. I have never written like this before. I don't like writing letters, and was terrible at essays at school.

When I can't see the point of it, the sense of it, I can't understand why you let it happen, and still expect me to be full of joy, when this suffering goes on and on. The pain goes on and gets more entrenched, more pressurised, more bloody, more impossible, making every day that dawns, when it eventually does, seem to be blacker than the previous day and there is no respite, no comfort, no relief from the unending pain, longing for the bright tomorrow, whenever that will be. Will it ever come? I see myself further and further divorced from all the things I love and want to do. Oh, how I want to be in tune with myself again. How I need someone to know how lonely and dark this place is, how empty and space less, how absolutely desolate where nothing grows and the light never shines. How I really need someone to understand and get in there with me. To get there you have to go through the terrible twilight world where very little happens, and into a trance-like state where everything vegetates and nothing seems clear and distinct any more. Nothing seems recognisable, everything seems to merge and nothing seems real any more, everything exists, copes, survives from minute to minute, and from hour to hour, to day, to night, and on and on with nothing but emptiness and nothingness to be my lot. Where do I fit in, I don't because I am here but really somewhere else, with no feeling or intensity, no more of anything, just existing, just hoping that someone will join me to lift me out of this pit. I call existence into something called life with meaning and colour and newness and love and hope and something that really happens, like it does to others all around me who cannot understand and may not try to see where I am and how I feel. Now each day seems like 50 hours and how I want to be real, and taken seriously as a person, not just an object of pity or someone to look down on, or a large receptacle to fill with pills. Oh, I long for that day when I can go and do and be me, and count for something, be something, and be a real person, yes, down there is so much to be sorted out, but down there is me, a special person desperate to experience life and emotions, and have fun and time to get a life and see it as other do. I don't want to see it through the eyes of a psychiatrist, or a nurse, or a consultant, or a hospital, or medication, but through my own mind, my own eyes, my own emotions, this person I call me. Deep down I am there, I know I am, and I am reaching up and doing my best, and I am screaming inside, and I am desperate to see the real me and that sunlight again, oh, and see what others do. I want to do what others do, smell what others smell, and just be taken seriously and be listened to, and oh for the day when I am again at peace. I can and I will take my rightful place in society, which will be a long, long way from the person I am now. This will be a place when and where the birds sing, and the flowers bloom, and a place where I am able to love and be loved, a place of tranquillity and fruitfulness, not a place of never-ending winters. A place where the woods and snow and dark days encompass me and there is a longing for Spring, the Spring will bring me hope, get me out of this pit I am in and towards a new horizon, not an impossible dream. Please be patient, the new me will appear, it is trying, it is ever, ever so difficult, please don't give up on me. The weights on me seem so heavy, it takes all my strength sometimes even to speak. I am there, I am trying to, please, please don't leave me alone in this dark unfriendly place, keep in with me. Everyday brings me closer to a place I would prefer to be. A place that you are my friend, a place of beauty and peace, and a place free of restrictions. This is a place of blue water and streams and the sun and the birds and friends and laughter, oh instead of deep winter. Please hold my hand, help me through this, don't leave me. I too am a person with emotions and ambitions, and everything else, like you. Please keep on with me, I need that lifeline to show am still living and not in vain. My life will come up for air eventually, and I will walk and walk and not be in a pit anymore, and will work and be free to walk anywhere I please, just like you, free to make decisions and not hampered by my state of utter desolation, please continue to help me. Then I, like you, will at last be able to have a life like you. Thank you, but what you see now is not the real me, but have patience, the real me will emerge, please help me, help me, have patience. My shoes are very heavy to walk in right now, but one day I will be able to walk in sandals, shoes that are light, because I shall be free from all this rubbish and, like you, I will be able to live again. 

I firstly did this for two reasons, to help others in similar situations, to let them know they are not alone, who feel like they feel and act like they act. To also bring hope and encouragement to people, who society would rather pass by on the other side. Secondly it was done for professionals whom I respect, to show them what it can feel like to be in such a position, be so low that you wonder what it is all for. Please read it and keep it somewhere safe, to remind you what it is like to have a problem no one can see.

To be that person there is a way through, but it does take time, effort, courage, patience and counselling to talk through the pain and the problems, a lot of love and continuous understanding from those around you, and for me prayers helped a lot as well.

I would appreciate any feedback on this article. Please be free to copy this and send it to any friends or professionals who may benefit from this.

C. PARISH, 30 BLUEBELL DRIVE, CHEPSTOW, WALES. NP16 STP

I am a single parent dad now with responsibility for 2 daughters, carer full time for the older one.

Don't ever feel alone you can always write. (no e-mail, sorry)

Author Charles Parish  

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