Clean jokes

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a actually great trick, will you give me a totally free consume?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the guy finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I demonstrate you an even much better strategy, will you give me totally free drinks for your rest from the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no strategy could possibly be much better than the first. The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The guy reaches into another pocket and pulls out a modest bullfrog, who starts to sing along while using the rat’s music.

Whilst the guy is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for that bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger raises the provide to $250,000.00 money up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger once again increases the provide, this time to $500,000.00 money. The guy lastly agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the funds.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could happen to be worth millions to you, and also you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was genuinely nothing unique. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

whydogshatehalloween

from a friend…

Thought these erudite words might brighten your day!!
 
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________________
doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:   Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

— And the best for last: —

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

from a work colleague….

A  dead man is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an expensive, tailored black suit.  



Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body  dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.  

The widow, however, says that she always  thought her husband looked his best in navy.   She gives Tam a blank cheque and says,   ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous  navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit  fits him perfectly.


She says to Tam, ‘Whatever the cost, I’m very satisfied.  You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful.  How much did you spend?’


To her astonishment, Tam  gives back  her  blank cheque. ‘ No charge,’ he says.


‘No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, hen,’ Tam says, ‘it didnae cost.   You see, a dead gentleman of your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,  and he was wearing an attractive navy suit   I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it  made  nae difference as long as he looked nice.  
‘So, I just switched their heads. ‘  
 

 

and some more …. 

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…”
Sir Norman Wisdom

“One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.”
Edgar Watson Howe

“A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!”
Doug Larson

“A harmful truth is always better then…a useful lie!”
Eric Bolton

This is my fav—-
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.”
Erno Philips

“ I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.”
Robert Paul

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Phyllis Diller

“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”
Victor Borge

“Start every day with a smile and get it over with.”
W.C. Fields

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
Will Rogers

“Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”
Mickey Rooney

“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.”
Tim Allen

“If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks.”
Rita Rudner

“I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
Erica Jong

“Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive.”
Elbert Hubbard

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”
Wendell Johnson

“In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.”
Joey Adams

“I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.”
Henry Youngman

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?”
Benny Hill

” Nothin is Impossible in this world. The word Impossible itself says I’m Possible”
Hussain Bhindarwala

Some new ones…………….

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted.
“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby’s mother asked him
if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.Bobby’s mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
“Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday.” Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn’t true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an “OK “boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my
birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a
fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church. Bobby’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby
looked very sad.
“Just be home in time for dinner,” Bobby’s mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went
into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped
the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into
the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down
with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!!!!

Subject: The genius of Peter Kay

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my
husband to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don’t get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
Bypass.  Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16
hardened criminals.
I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and
stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’.
And it worked!
From there on in it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
I saw six women kicking and punching the father-in-law.
My neighbour said ‘Aren’t you going to help?’
I said ‘No, six should be be enough.’
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made
out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don’t understand, such as working for a
living.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Peter Kay’s Universal Truths
—————————–

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub
is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a
complete stranger.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not
to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill
you at the first given opportunity.

It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

 Old ladies can eat more than you think.

 You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Some Great Questions Brought To You By Peter Kay
-------------------------------------------------------
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
  undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
do is stand up and say:
My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains
for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink
whatever comes out’?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
 but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the
 bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
 
Crusty the Clown’s been at it again ….. 

 

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to; doesn’t
mean they don’t love you with all they have
Jim and Karen were both patients in a psychiatric hospital
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there. Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.  When the Nurse Director became aware of Karen’s heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Karen the news she said,
“Karen, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a
sound mind.  The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his bathrobe.   I am very sorry.”   “Oh, that’s alright” said Karen, “I put him there to dry.   Can I go home now?” 

Farmer’s warning..

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day,when he
saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down
from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, “paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae’n ych-y-fi” (don’t drink the water, it’s not nice).
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his
ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn’t hear him, the farmer moved closer. “Paid fachgen!  Dwr ych-y-fi! Sheep crappio yn y dwr!” (Don’t boy, the sheep **** in the water). Still the walker couldn’t hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said “Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Dim yfed!” (the water’s dirty don’t drink it!)
“I’m dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn’t understand a word you said dear boy!” said the man at the stream in a fine English accent, “Oh I see” said the farmer. “I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in…”

DIY Dictionary. 

RILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, “Yeou ….”

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you’ve been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
crew heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. People  primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use

also –

 A link for you – http://cleanjokes.com/

and another.. 

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping.  This letter was recently sent by Tesco’s Head Office to a customer in Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
trolleys when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
>intervals.
3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
Code 3″ in housewares, and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

8. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were. ( My favourite )
9. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
“Mission Impossible” theme.
10. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look”
using different size funnels.
11. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
“PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

12. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices
again.”   And; last, but not least:

13. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toiletpaper in here.”

Yours sincerely, etc.

and here’s another………

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the
simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner
peace.

Dr.Phil proclaimed,

“The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve
started and never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t
finished, and before leaving the house this morning,  I
……………..
……finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a
bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, a packet of
Jaffa Cakes, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of
the cheesecake, some Doritos and a Box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel! The man is a Genius!

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