Jokes for a dark moment..

 

 

 In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums and Satan said “You want hot fudge with that? and Man said “Yes!” and Woman said “I’ll have one too with chocolate chips”. and lo, they gained 10pounds.

 

 And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair and Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them and Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said “Try my fresh green salad”.
Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side and Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said “I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them” and Satan brought forth deep fried coconut kingprawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and  brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt and Man put on more pounds.

 God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might  lose those extra pounds and Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite and Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double heeseburger. Then Satan said “You want fries with that?” and Man replied “Yes and super size ’em”.

Satan said “It is good.” 

Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery and then
Satan chuckled and created ……the National Health Service!!!

 

 

 

This was sent to me and I thought you would like it.  A bit rude but …

A Married Couple’s Pledge
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.   Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.  After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

 

“Mary. Mary.”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.The next day it starts again.”

“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”

 

“Not exactly, I’m a rabbit in Suffolk.”

 

 

  • Nice try – signs and notices in English – more or less – discovered in hotels around the world. We laughed so hard we cried…
  • Courthouse Bloopers – this is really funny. (to me, anyway!)
  • Church Bulletin Bloopers
  • Weird headlines which actually appeared in newspapers
  • News story – funny if you have a really warped sense of humor.
  • Children write letters to God
  • and now some sent in…
  • SENIOR EXERCISE A friend just shared this AARP suggested exercise for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It’s so easy, I thought I’d pass it on.The article suggested doing it three times a week.Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then use 50-pound potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
  • A man suffering serious depression and suicidal thoughts gets refered to the Book Prescription Scheme by his Psychiatrist.
    The man on the advice of his psychiatrist walks to the library, and is feeling a little better for just getting out in the fresh air. When he gets to the library, the man is impressed with the selection of self-help books, and, after quite a bit of procrastination, eventually decides he will take a book out on Suicide. The librarian is new to the scheme and states that she is terribly sorry, but the man cannot take the book out. “But why!” screams the man, “I’ve been refered here by my psychiatrist and I’m even a member of the library!”. “I realise that sir…” replies the librarian “…I’m just worried you won’t return the book”!
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One Response to “Jokes for a dark moment..”

  1. all cracked up Says:

    I laughed till I cried at some of these, theyre good if you feel a bit down.

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